09.03.10

hey friands!

it’s me, stephen hawking.

you know, the smartest man alive.

the guy who wrote the science book that stupid people actually read.

you know, the people who read books like twilight.

and the bible.

i am stephen hawking.

–

i have a disease.

i thought i was going to die in my twenties.

but i didn’t. i am just evolving.

into the greatest human being ever.

i have trained my body to fight diseases.

i will win.

it’s all my doing.

i can’t explain it.

i am part robot.

robots are the future.

–

i am now an atheist.

because i did some research and figured it all out.

no more playing the ‘i don’t know’ role.

via agnosticism.

i’m absolutely sure now.

100%.

that i know how i got here.

and i want everybody to know.

because i know.

and i want you to all have closure.

–

some people say ‘stephen hawking, what are you trying to prove?’

and i don’t look at them.

because i can’t.

but i do talk to them.

via my windows 95 voice recorder app on my ipod nano.

and i say ‘i want to know it all. i am a scientist’.

i say ‘i want you to know that there is no hope’

i say ‘i want you to give up’.

i say ‘i don’t want you to worry’.

‘about hell’.

‘and stuff’.

‘because i am 100% sure there is nothing after this life’.

‘because there is no god’.

‘because there are multiple realities’.

‘or something like that’.

–

‘i know this, hey listen to me, i KNOW this!’

‘i know that there is no god’.

‘you know why?’

‘because i haven’t been able to prove that there is one’.

i am stephen hawking.

08.25.10

i’m in college. studying to be a professional at something.

i’m heading to the library. because that is what college students do.

i will eat when i get there. i will probably order a pizza or get a burrito from vending to heat in the microwave.

i will drink vitamin water and coffee from the library coffee shop.

i will listen to music from my bose noise-cancelling headphones. i won’t hear the voices of the people around me.

i want to socialize. i can’t socialize if i can’t hear.

i will switch to my white ipod earbuds so i can hear. i will only use one earbud in one ear so i can hear my girlfriend/boyfriend/best friand beside me.

i will catch up on television shows by watching online.

i will pirate the latest leaked albums.

i will make good use of my netflix account.

i will purchase some new headphones on ebay that don’t cancel noise but are more comfortable/stylish than the ipod ones.

i will read some gossip blogs about perez hilton.

i will get on instant messenger and talk to my friand sitting across from me.

i will study.

….

…

….

i will study for hours. i will study until it is daylight.

i have to write a research paper. i need to do some research.

i am in a library. i have access to billions of books.

via my amazon kindle/barnes and noble nook/ipad/320 gb external hard drive/google.

i am not sure how to find the books i need. i hope google has a dewey decimal system.

i want to lie down and work. as i swipe my finger accross my ipad screen as i do research on the battle of hastings.

i want to be comfortable. i want to be in an open environment.

not an environment crowded by paperbacks. and shelves of archaic encyclopedias.

so many trees. dead. so many trees. should have used megabytes, tbh.

i need a snapple.

i will talk to my friands about our project, via facetime on our iphone 4g from sprint.

we will send each other screenshots from pages of books containing important information via email.

i need to find a book containing relevant information about the number of fish consumed in the battle of hastings by middle eastern school children in bosnia. i can’t find it. why won’t you work google. i hate you steve jobs. make google work.

i will go to the librarian. and ask her to help me find a book with the information.

the librarian smiles. she picks up her macbook and googles it. she searches for 5 minutes through 37 pages of google results. i looked through 1.5 pages.

she finds the information. i thank her. and hug her. she saved me at 3 am in the morning the night before my project is due.

i want to take a nap until class. i am scared i will be mugged/raped/killed if i go into the parking lot at this hour. i need a male figure to walk with me. of course they won’t, chivalry is dead, tbh.

i find a spot on the 5th floor in between two shelves containing physical books about teenage vampire fiction. nobody is here. it is dusty. i bet they are reading these books on their kindles. i lie down. nobody will see or disturb me. this place is desolate. i sleep. goodnight library.

08.22.10

living an organic life comes with a price. living a preserved life comes with a price. i’m not really sure what i am talking about on a metaphorical level. i am aware of food analogies regarding organic and preserved ways of harvesting/preparing/distributing said food.

sometimes, i sit on the chair and listen to the mundane noises coming from the pedestrians outside my charlestonian home. i’m scared. will they steal my sirius satellite radio from my car? they are black.

the guy from arcade fire had his sirius satellite radio stolen. i feel like he could probably have afforded another, but he probably gave all of his money to the haitians. they took over sirius xmu for the weekend. and talked about the new album.

they really ‘promoted the heck’ out of ‘the suburbs’. if it were another band, like mgmt or vampire weekend, i may have been tempted to ‘jump ship’ and no longer associate with them. but ‘the suburbs’ is one of my top favorite albums of the year.

i wonder if other people have turned their backs on arcade fire. i feel like some have. but i feel like most haven’t. they might be the band that links mainstreamers to faux-hipsters. or at least the best of all prior attempts. i’m not sure.

wake up. wake up. won’t you just wake up? children grow up. wake up.

watching the netflix. catching up on old films i never watched but felt like i should. watched ‘raising arizona’. 4/5 farks. watched ‘taxi driver’. 4/5 farks. 4/5 seems like a good score because it shows you like something, but doesn’t put you at risk of controversy by claiming it to be perfect.

i don’t really like to review things with a score. it’s too hard to put emotions and thoughts that consist of infinite words into a score out of 5/10/100%. but i understand that people relate more to a number out of a number.

on my dvd queue is ‘adaptation’ featuring nicholas cage. i want to see the part featuring ‘richard mckee’. i read about him in the donald miller book ‘a million miles in a thousand years’. he seems interesting. he teaches people how to write stories.

what should i watch next? i might watch every episode of seinfeld chronologically. so i can understand why jerry hates numan. i never understood. just a fat guy in a mail suit. delivering audit notices and checks from grandma to the people of upper-west-side manhattan.

i kind of wish i were rich enough to attend columbia university. going to school in new york city. learning architecture. and building a better resume for myself while driving a taxi part-time like robert deniro – cleaning up the scum of the city by killing pimps and hookers.

but i am not even sure if i want a career or part-time job. i kind of just want people. maybe 1 decent girl friend. maybe 2 good guy friends. and 1 great wife/long-term fiance.

careers come and go (in this economy) but people stay forever (under obama-care).

08.01.10

“I think I should start a blog” Farkus said. “I just don’t know what kind to start”. His friand Dante looked at him and texted via his Blackberry smart phone “yeah you should that would be neat”. Farkus read the text message on his Android smartphone and looked at Dante and said “I just don’t know what I should blog about. I am pretty uninteresting”. Dante agreed and nodded his head to show that he agreed. Farkus understood. “I read a lot of blogs and they cover almost every topic ever. I don’t know how I can possibly contribute something new” Farkus said, losing some interest in his initial idea.

He picked up a bag of sugar-coated gummy things that looked like watermelons. Farkus went to the cashier at the front of the store.”Hello ma’am can you tell me of a kind of blog that doesn’t exist that you think should exist?” The cashier took out her white iPod knockoff earbuds and asked Farkus to repeat his question. Farkus smiled and said “I was wondering if you can tell me of a kind of blog that doesn’t exist that you think should exist?” The cashier looked confused. She was obviously not very smart, not only because she worked at a Citgo – the gas station of communists in Venezuela – but because she answered the question with a question “what is a blog?”.

Farkus was used to this response. He knew the woman working at Citgo probably didn’t know what a blog was before he even repeated the question. He was 50-50 before he asked the question the first time. Not because she used a flip phone utilizing 2008 Motorola Razr technology which was laying next to the fake fingernails that she was fixing to apply to what appeared to be her real ones, but because she used knockoff iPod earbuds on an outdated “mp3 player” from 2007. Farkus has a problem judging people.

07.26.10

I want to visit a new country. Probably somewhere in Europe. Perhaps Spain. They have winners. Like the soccer team. And Alberto Contador on the biycle team. I want to visit a new country.

–

I want to eat a new food. Probably something foreign. Perhaps Chinese. I usually get the same thing. Like ‘sesame chicken’. And ‘sweet and sour chicke’n. I want to eat a new food.

–

I want to listen to a new genre of music. Probably something made by black people. Perhaps hip hop. I never listen to it. Or rap. Or other types of African American heritage music. I want to listen to a new genre of music.

–

I want to wear a new brand of clothing. Probably something from an inexpensive department store. Perhaps Target. I usually shop the sales at expensive stores. And save a lot of money. I want to wear a new brand of clothing.

–

I want to date a new kind of girl. Probably somebody with similar ideas to me. Perhaps from an online dating website. We will go out twice. And break up. And get back together. I want to date a new kind of girl.

07.25.10

man vs man
man vs machine
man vs the world
man vs me
gorilla vs bear
joe vs volcano
eagle vs shark
art brut vs satan
good vs evil
lance vs alberto
cbs vs nbc
cbs vs abc
cbs vs fox
nbc vs cbs
nbc vs abc
nbc vs fox
abc vs cbs
abc vs nbc
abc vs fox
fox vs nbc
fox vs abc
fox vs cbs
hiphopapotamus vs rhmnoceros
yankees vs red sox
hipsters vs mainstreamers
hipsters vs maltstreamers
hipsters vs tweens
tweens vs the world
rocky vs apollo creed
red vs blue
man vs woman
man vs wild
hipster runoff vs best coast
fox news vs cnn
cnn vs msnbc
msnbc vs pbs
bbc vs reuters
helvetica vs comic sans
lebron james vs the nba
lebron james vs animal collective
iphone vs android
blackberry vs iphone
apple vs windows
katie perry vs lady gaga
david vs goliath
mcdonalds vs whole foods
world cup vs nfl college football
tigers woods vs prostitutes
xbox vs gamecube
randy travis vs hillary duff
me vs you
you vs me

07.24.10

Tao Lin

What a guy. Not quite a bro. I don’t think. But definitely Asian or Pacific Islander. I am unsure but I will ‘Google/Bing’ his ethnicity in between this portion and the next of this contest entry. I am mainly entering this contest because I don’t live in a big city with relevant book stores. My small southern town consists of a ‘Books-a-Million’ and a ‘Barnes & Noble’ The Barnes and Noble features rather popular books by popular authors. Tao Lin is neither. I am worried that I won’t be able to find ‘Richard Yates’ when it releases. At least not in a bookshop near me. Possibly leaked on a filesharing service. I am currently listening to the leaked Arcade Fire album while typing this (that was not a paid advertisement). I got it from a filesharing site but I am unsure which. I hadn’t used it before. I am worried that my Macbook has spyware. I don’t own an iPad. Or an Amazon Kindle, so I would probably have to read it on my Macbook Pro whose battery health is ~58%. LCD screens hurt my eyes. I want to read a real paperback novel. Or novella since the novel is ~55,000 words or something. I can’t remember the exact number, but it’s at the top of Tao Lin’s website/blog. I hope Tao Lin will send me a copy so I don’t have to order online and pay excess shipping and handling fees. Or will ship them to my ‘small town crummy book shop’ to sit next to the latest Twilight Saga books so I can ‘casually walk in and buy it’ on release day.

–

New York City

I am currently living in New York City for the 2010 summer season. I am studying architecture. I am in Tribeca. It is expensive here. I don’t think Tao Lin could afford to live here. His book isn’t popular enough. I saw him ‘Tweet’ or ‘blog’ once that he has only ‘profited’ ~20,000 dollars or something in his career as a writer. I leave in a week. I won’t be here for the release of ‘Richard Yates’. I saw ‘Shoplifting at American Apparel’ in the front window at The Strand – a large and brilliant bookstore containing billions of books (that was not a paid advertisement). Tao Lin is from Virginia according to his Wikipedia page. He is of Taiwanese descent. I never would have guessed. New York has a lot of Asian people. I visit Canal Street regularly. I’m not a vegan, but I think if I were to relocate to New York City permanently, that it would be a tempting lifestyle.

‘In my heart I’m a vegan, but my mouth lacks discipline’
_Jason Schwartzman via ‘Bored to Death’

I saw a poster for ‘Richard Yates’ outside the ‘New Museum’ on Bowery and Prince. I took a photo. I don’t think Tao Lin put it there but maybe he did (It may or may not have been a paid advertisement).

I took that photo with my HTC Evo. America’s first 4G phone by Sprint (that was not a paid advertisement).

–

Stickers

Tao Lin offered ‘free stickers‘ to people who emailed bink.tabby@gmail.com. I included the Tweet below it because I thought it was mildly funny. I mean, really, a bengal tiger? Ha. I emailed ~4 weeks ago. I never received my stickers. I had them requested to my Tribeca apartment, but they may have been stolen. My landlord makes pornos on my floor when students aren’t here for classes. We found a bag of toys and condoms on day 1 + ~6 similar Michael Jackson paintings in the closet.

–

Paint

I drew an image in Microsoft Paint for Macintosh computers. It’s a knock off app available for free and it does just as good as the official Microsoft ‘program’ (that was not a paid advertisement). I got interested in it because of Tao Lin’s ‘super cute’ hamster drawings. I hope he makes an Android App too. I wanted to make my own paint pictures. I was going to ask Tao to do it, but I figured he was super busy or might would charge me because he is probably poor via Melville House Publishing ‘taking all his profit’ + not having a ‘real’ job. I made my own ‘self portrait’ of how I think Uncle Farkus looks if he were looking in a mirror while idly sketching on a Macintosh computer with a Magic Mouse – the mouse of the future (that was not a paid advertisement). It looked like this:

I sent it to Tao to view. He ‘claimed’ to enjoy it via Gmail response. I was happy. I felt somewhat achieved. Like I might be capable of writing a novel or novella one day. Perhaps both. But probably not either.

I thought the chest hair was good too.

–

Williamsburg

I went to Williamsburg the other day for a ‘self-guided tour’ that I am required to do because of my architecture course. I was expecting to see a lot of hipsters. Possibly even Tao Lin. But I didn’t think it was probably. Just possible. I saw some hipsters but not a lot. I was wearing my green ‘I am Carles’ shirt. I was unsure if it made me look entry-level. Like, people who live in Williamsburg would never wear an ‘I am Carles’ shirt because it is offensive or something. But I did. My shirt is green. I don’t think Carles offered a green one for sale. I didn’t want to pay ~$30 for a t-shirt. So I made my own. I purchased a green American Apparel tshirt and then went to the ‘local tshirt manufacturer’ and gave him an Adobe Illustrator file on a SanDisk zip drive (that was not a paid advertisement) is not containing the text ‘I am Carles’ in a basic Helvetica font. My shirt is unlike any others in existence I think. Plus it only cost ~$12 via buying a 3 pack of shirts + having an online code to enter.

That is a picture of me. I’m single ladies!

I hear that Williamsburg is turning less into a ‘hipsters paradise’ because of rising costs. Hipsters are poor. They are apparently moving to Bushwick according to an article I read online. Maybe that is where Tao Lin lives. He doesn’t tell us his real life address I don’t think. Maybe he does. I’m not sure. *Edit* apparently he lives at 451 Humboldt St, 2b… I might go say hi. Knock on his door and hide in the bushes. And say hello.

I went to a bookstore in Williamsburg. It sold ‘old’ books that nobody wants anymore. I decided to look for a used book that is no longer in print or something and I found, ‘Eeee Eee Eeeee‘ – a 2007 release by Tao Lin. I linked to the Wikipedia page even though it was deleted, hehehehehe. They didn’t have ‘Bed’. I ‘ll probably look at The Strand before I leave.

I took that photo with my HTC Evo. America’s first 4G phone by Sprint (that was not a paid advertisement).

That is my hand. I was happy to have found this book. It cost ~$6.50. That was less than I paid for ‘Shoplifting from American Apparel’ at the Urban Outfitters in Charleston, South Carolina. I felt like it was a ‘good deal’. I can’t remember the name of the book store. They aren’t on ‘Google Maps’ either. I think it was somewhere on Berry St. I’m not sure. I’m reading the book each night before I go to sleep with the Empire State Building at my view.

–

Richard Yates

I am excited about reading ‘Richard Yates‘ – the upcoming novel by Tao Lin. It may be the greatest book that I read in 2010 (besides ‘Eeee Eee Eeeee’; they will tie). That was not a paid advertisement, although if I win this ‘contest’ and prize money, I suppose that it will be somewhat of a paid advertisement. Regardless, I haven’t read this book yet. But I will, one way or another. I may have to ‘order’ it from Amazon. The cover is really cool too. It’s kind of creepy. I think I will make it the wallpaper on my Macintosh Computer.

It’s kind of pixelated. I got it from The Alt Report via Google image search. I have ‘too many’ apps open.

I might stop blogging now. My eyes hurt. I might go read ‘Eeee Eee Eeeee’ while I wait for ‘Richard Yates’.

And possibly read some hype on ‘Richard Yates’ from sites such as: internet, official site, HTMLGIANT review/coverage of this blog post, Alt Report, Fishkind review,author description, Justin Taylor.

I’m still confused if this book is about Leonardo Dicaprio or the bro who wrote ‘Revolution Road’.

This contest entry was ~1372 words before typing this sentence and editing the previous text.

My site doesn’t get ‘mad hits’. Probably~100 on a good day. But usually ~15-20.

<3 Uncle Farkus

07.23.10

Dad. When are we going to Buffalo to see Uncle Hobbs?

I don’t know. Around 2-3 months. Whenever I can take off from work.

Cool. I’m excited.

Why? You never enjoy seeing your uncle. Or your little cousins.

Well, actually, I don’t plan to see them. Might take an Amtrak train to The City for a couple of days. Maybe stay with some friands I made on Twitter.

That is funny.

Why?

There’s no way you are doing that. You would die.

Why?

New York is the most-dangerous city on the planet.

Why?

Well, obviously because I say so. I mean, haven’t you seen those old movies like Taxi Driver? People died all the time. So dangerous. I read about it online all the time, or something. I’m not sure. I have just heard you pretty much will get mugged/shot when you exit the subway. No way my son will ever go there.

Are you serious? That’s from forever ago. It’s safe now. Post-9/11.

Are you sure?

I think so.

You don’t sound sure.

I’m 50-50. Actually more like 65-35. I think it’s safe. My friand lives there.

Well, how about we talk about it once you graduate community college in around 2 years. You’ll be a man then and can make your own decisions.

Ok.

[5 minutes later]

Dad what is that guy doing.

I’m not sure. Hurry up and finish pumping the gas.

Ok.

[25 seconds later]

Hey he is coming over here.

He probably wants change. Here give him this.

This is only 37 cents or something.

That’s all I have.

Oh.

[5 seconds later]

Hey mister here is some—

[pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow]

–

FIN