09.03.10

hey friands!

it’s me, stephen hawking.

you know, the smartest man alive.

the guy who wrote the science book that stupid people actually read.

you know, the people who read books like twilight.

and the bible.

i am stephen hawking.

–

i have a disease.

i thought i was going to die in my twenties.

but i didn’t. i am just evolving.

into the greatest human being ever.

i have trained my body to fight diseases.

i will win.

it’s all my doing.

i can’t explain it.

i am part robot.

robots are the future.

–

i am now an atheist.

because i did some research and figured it all out.

no more playing the ‘i don’t know’ role.

via agnosticism.

i’m absolutely sure now.

100%.

that i know how i got here.

and i want everybody to know.

because i know.

and i want you to all have closure.

–

some people say ‘stephen hawking, what are you trying to prove?’

and i don’t look at them.

because i can’t.

but i do talk to them.

via my windows 95 voice recorder app on my ipod nano.

and i say ‘i want to know it all. i am a scientist’.

i say ‘i want you to know that there is no hope’

i say ‘i want you to give up’.

i say ‘i don’t want you to worry’.

‘about hell’.

‘and stuff’.

‘because i am 100% sure there is nothing after this life’.

‘because there is no god’.

‘because there are multiple realities’.

‘or something like that’.

–

‘i know this, hey listen to me, i KNOW this!’

‘i know that there is no god’.

‘you know why?’

‘because i haven’t been able to prove that there is one’.

i am stephen hawking.

07.26.10

I want to visit a new country. Probably somewhere in Europe. Perhaps Spain. They have winners. Like the soccer team. And Alberto Contador on the biycle team. I want to visit a new country.

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I want to eat a new food. Probably something foreign. Perhaps Chinese. I usually get the same thing. Like ‘sesame chicken’. And ‘sweet and sour chicke’n. I want to eat a new food.

–

I want to listen to a new genre of music. Probably something made by black people. Perhaps hip hop. I never listen to it. Or rap. Or other types of African American heritage music. I want to listen to a new genre of music.

–

I want to wear a new brand of clothing. Probably something from an inexpensive department store. Perhaps Target. I usually shop the sales at expensive stores. And save a lot of money. I want to wear a new brand of clothing.

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I want to date a new kind of girl. Probably somebody with similar ideas to me. Perhaps from an online dating website. We will go out twice. And break up. And get back together. I want to date a new kind of girl.

07.25.10

man vs man
man vs machine
man vs the world
man vs me
gorilla vs bear
joe vs volcano
eagle vs shark
art brut vs satan
good vs evil
lance vs alberto
cbs vs nbc
cbs vs abc
cbs vs fox
nbc vs cbs
nbc vs abc
nbc vs fox
abc vs cbs
abc vs nbc
abc vs fox
fox vs nbc
fox vs abc
fox vs cbs
hiphopapotamus vs rhmnoceros
yankees vs red sox
hipsters vs mainstreamers
hipsters vs maltstreamers
hipsters vs tweens
tweens vs the world
rocky vs apollo creed
red vs blue
man vs woman
man vs wild
hipster runoff vs best coast
fox news vs cnn
cnn vs msnbc
msnbc vs pbs
bbc vs reuters
helvetica vs comic sans
lebron james vs the nba
lebron james vs animal collective
iphone vs android
blackberry vs iphone
apple vs windows
katie perry vs lady gaga
david vs goliath
mcdonalds vs whole foods
world cup vs nfl college football
tigers woods vs prostitutes
xbox vs gamecube
randy travis vs hillary duff
me vs you
you vs me

07.24.10

Tao Lin

What a guy. Not quite a bro. I don’t think. But definitely Asian or Pacific Islander. I am unsure but I will ‘Google/Bing’ his ethnicity in between this portion and the next of this contest entry. I am mainly entering this contest because I don’t live in a big city with relevant book stores. My small southern town consists of a ‘Books-a-Million’ and a ‘Barnes & Noble’ The Barnes and Noble features rather popular books by popular authors. Tao Lin is neither. I am worried that I won’t be able to find ‘Richard Yates’ when it releases. At least not in a bookshop near me. Possibly leaked on a filesharing service. I am currently listening to the leaked Arcade Fire album while typing this (that was not a paid advertisement). I got it from a filesharing site but I am unsure which. I hadn’t used it before. I am worried that my Macbook has spyware. I don’t own an iPad. Or an Amazon Kindle, so I would probably have to read it on my Macbook Pro whose battery health is ~58%. LCD screens hurt my eyes. I want to read a real paperback novel. Or novella since the novel is ~55,000 words or something. I can’t remember the exact number, but it’s at the top of Tao Lin’s website/blog. I hope Tao Lin will send me a copy so I don’t have to order online and pay excess shipping and handling fees. Or will ship them to my ‘small town crummy book shop’ to sit next to the latest Twilight Saga books so I can ‘casually walk in and buy it’ on release day.

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New York City

I am currently living in New York City for the 2010 summer season. I am studying architecture. I am in Tribeca. It is expensive here. I don’t think Tao Lin could afford to live here. His book isn’t popular enough. I saw him ‘Tweet’ or ‘blog’ once that he has only ‘profited’ ~20,000 dollars or something in his career as a writer. I leave in a week. I won’t be here for the release of ‘Richard Yates’. I saw ‘Shoplifting at American Apparel’ in the front window at The Strand – a large and brilliant bookstore containing billions of books (that was not a paid advertisement). Tao Lin is from Virginia according to his Wikipedia page. He is of Taiwanese descent. I never would have guessed. New York has a lot of Asian people. I visit Canal Street regularly. I’m not a vegan, but I think if I were to relocate to New York City permanently, that it would be a tempting lifestyle.

‘In my heart I’m a vegan, but my mouth lacks discipline’
_Jason Schwartzman via ‘Bored to Death’

I saw a poster for ‘Richard Yates’ outside the ‘New Museum’ on Bowery and Prince. I took a photo. I don’t think Tao Lin put it there but maybe he did (It may or may not have been a paid advertisement).

I took that photo with my HTC Evo. America’s first 4G phone by Sprint (that was not a paid advertisement).

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Stickers

Tao Lin offered ‘free stickers‘ to people who emailed bink.tabby@gmail.com. I included the Tweet below it because I thought it was mildly funny. I mean, really, a bengal tiger? Ha. I emailed ~4 weeks ago. I never received my stickers. I had them requested to my Tribeca apartment, but they may have been stolen. My landlord makes pornos on my floor when students aren’t here for classes. We found a bag of toys and condoms on day 1 + ~6 similar Michael Jackson paintings in the closet.

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Paint

I drew an image in Microsoft Paint for Macintosh computers. It’s a knock off app available for free and it does just as good as the official Microsoft ‘program’ (that was not a paid advertisement). I got interested in it because of Tao Lin’s ‘super cute’ hamster drawings. I hope he makes an Android App too. I wanted to make my own paint pictures. I was going to ask Tao to do it, but I figured he was super busy or might would charge me because he is probably poor via Melville House Publishing ‘taking all his profit’ + not having a ‘real’ job. I made my own ‘self portrait’ of how I think Uncle Farkus looks if he were looking in a mirror while idly sketching on a Macintosh computer with a Magic Mouse – the mouse of the future (that was not a paid advertisement). It looked like this:

I sent it to Tao to view. He ‘claimed’ to enjoy it via Gmail response. I was happy. I felt somewhat achieved. Like I might be capable of writing a novel or novella one day. Perhaps both. But probably not either.

I thought the chest hair was good too.

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Williamsburg

I went to Williamsburg the other day for a ‘self-guided tour’ that I am required to do because of my architecture course. I was expecting to see a lot of hipsters. Possibly even Tao Lin. But I didn’t think it was probably. Just possible. I saw some hipsters but not a lot. I was wearing my green ‘I am Carles’ shirt. I was unsure if it made me look entry-level. Like, people who live in Williamsburg would never wear an ‘I am Carles’ shirt because it is offensive or something. But I did. My shirt is green. I don’t think Carles offered a green one for sale. I didn’t want to pay ~$30 for a t-shirt. So I made my own. I purchased a green American Apparel tshirt and then went to the ‘local tshirt manufacturer’ and gave him an Adobe Illustrator file on a SanDisk zip drive (that was not a paid advertisement) is not containing the text ‘I am Carles’ in a basic Helvetica font. My shirt is unlike any others in existence I think. Plus it only cost ~$12 via buying a 3 pack of shirts + having an online code to enter.

That is a picture of me. I’m single ladies!

I hear that Williamsburg is turning less into a ‘hipsters paradise’ because of rising costs. Hipsters are poor. They are apparently moving to Bushwick according to an article I read online. Maybe that is where Tao Lin lives. He doesn’t tell us his real life address I don’t think. Maybe he does. I’m not sure. *Edit* apparently he lives at 451 Humboldt St, 2b… I might go say hi. Knock on his door and hide in the bushes. And say hello.

I went to a bookstore in Williamsburg. It sold ‘old’ books that nobody wants anymore. I decided to look for a used book that is no longer in print or something and I found, ‘Eeee Eee Eeeee‘ – a 2007 release by Tao Lin. I linked to the Wikipedia page even though it was deleted, hehehehehe. They didn’t have ‘Bed’. I ‘ll probably look at The Strand before I leave.

I took that photo with my HTC Evo. America’s first 4G phone by Sprint (that was not a paid advertisement).

That is my hand. I was happy to have found this book. It cost ~$6.50. That was less than I paid for ‘Shoplifting from American Apparel’ at the Urban Outfitters in Charleston, South Carolina. I felt like it was a ‘good deal’. I can’t remember the name of the book store. They aren’t on ‘Google Maps’ either. I think it was somewhere on Berry St. I’m not sure. I’m reading the book each night before I go to sleep with the Empire State Building at my view.

–

Richard Yates

I am excited about reading ‘Richard Yates‘ – the upcoming novel by Tao Lin. It may be the greatest book that I read in 2010 (besides ‘Eeee Eee Eeeee’; they will tie). That was not a paid advertisement, although if I win this ‘contest’ and prize money, I suppose that it will be somewhat of a paid advertisement. Regardless, I haven’t read this book yet. But I will, one way or another. I may have to ‘order’ it from Amazon. The cover is really cool too. It’s kind of creepy. I think I will make it the wallpaper on my Macintosh Computer.

It’s kind of pixelated. I got it from The Alt Report via Google image search. I have ‘too many’ apps open.

I might stop blogging now. My eyes hurt. I might go read ‘Eeee Eee Eeeee’ while I wait for ‘Richard Yates’.

And possibly read some hype on ‘Richard Yates’ from sites such as: internet, official site, HTMLGIANT review/coverage of this blog post, Alt Report, Fishkind review,author description, Justin Taylor.

I’m still confused if this book is about Leonardo Dicaprio or the bro who wrote ‘Revolution Road’.

This contest entry was ~1372 words before typing this sentence and editing the previous text.

My site doesn’t get ‘mad hits’. Probably~100 on a good day. But usually ~15-20.

<3 Uncle Farkus