Introduction

Hello friends.

Farkus’s Nephew here to deliver the sad news re my Uncle Farkus. As some of you are aware via Twitter feeds over the past week or so, my Uncle Farkus had been going through a ‘strange time’ in his life. It all began with the murder of a close friend–or ‘friand’ as he would say. By looking back through his Twitter and some letters he sent me during this time, I’m going to do my best to outline the events in a timeline of sorts that goes a little bit beyond the 140 character limit that he was limited to during his living presence.

The Final Events of an Uncle’s Life

+ After the sudden downfall of close friend and politician Anthony Weiner earlier this summer, Uncle Farkus, was determined to help his friend regain his composure and re-enter the arena a ‘new’ man by presenting an economic plan to end the deficit talks and restore order in the USA.

+ Weiner, who seemed to cooperate at first, opted to leave Uncle Farkus for dead in a porta potty located at a local little league ball park. The talks collapsed and Weiner disappeared. No communication was done other than through Weiner’s ‘typical’ texts that got him media attention to begin with.

+ Uncle Farkus was hungry and went to Zaxby’s. After the meal, he couldn’t think of anything interesting to do and stood in the parking lot for more than 48 hours. People died during this time. Cops went. Farkus began dating his long-time sweetheart of the previous 3 months, Bonnie, after Farkus promised her a boob job.

+ Uncle Farkus and Bonnie broke up.

+ Uncle Farkus went to the Pitchfork Music Festival. Taking a glock, he aimed to kill Tyler the Creationist but had no such luck due to ‘massive security’.

+ Uncle Farkus, now repulsed by Weiner’s actions from the previous week, decided to kill him after watching American Psycho on VHS. After inviting Weiner over to play Sorry after a lovely dinner at Denny’s Bar and Grill, he re-enacted the famous ‘Huey Lewis and the News’ scene, Farkus pranced around in a clear rain coat and split Weiner’s head into two pieces.

+ Uncle Farkus turns himself in. People continue receiving ‘genital text messages’ from Weiner; nobody believes Farkus.

+Disgruntled with the Oldsmobile–Farkus’s vehicle of choice for 30+ years even after the Vancouver riots of 2011, Farkus decides its time to purchase something newer and opts for a 1991 Chevrolet Astro van.

+ Uncle Farkus takes the van onto the interstate. Farkus runs out of gas.

+ Uncle Farkus hitchhikes, gets picked up by an escaped convict named Mickey in a pink 50′s Chevrolet. The two enjoy meals at Denny’s Bar and Grill and get to know each other based on the criminal past. Mickey tells Farkus he’s a bad man–a loner and rebel. Uncle Farkus and Mickey stay a night in a hotel that does not require ID in order to go unnoticed by the law. They head back on the road, driving with no particular destination in mind. Both men fall asleep and wake up with the Chevrolet crashed into a tree. Mickey laughs it off and suggests they walk from there.

+ Uncle Farkus and Mickey get picked up by Arkansas state police. Apparently they are in Arkansas.

+ Uncle Farkus and Mickey are separated. Farkus is forced into hard labor of moving rocks from one side of the prison yard to another whilst being restrained by a ‘ball and chain’.

+ Uncle Farkus gets a Cellmate. Farkus dares his Cellmate to eat 50 eggs. He does it to avoid being made fun of, presumably. The Prison Warden is furious that there are no more eggs in the refrigerator for him to eat; the Warden forces Farkus’s Cellmate to spend some time in ‘the box’.

+ The Warden has problems with prisoners spending time alone in their cell and opts to stay with Farkus to make sure he has company. The Warden spends most of his time singing, quoting Zaboomafoo, and watching Uncle Farkus use the toilet located in the cell.

+ A Christian Prison Ministry visits the Arkansas Prison to tell the prisoners about Jesus. The prison yard turns into a carnival of sorts and Uncle Farkus eats a snow cone that bears no syrupy flavor. While eating the snow cone, the leader of the Christian Prison Ministry, Pastor Garth, begins to really get to know Uncle Farkus. Asking the tough questions such as ‘why are you in prison’ and ‘what did you do’, Uncle Farkus begins to really open up to Pastor Garth and tells him all about the murder of Anthony Weiner.

+ After hearing the tale of Anthony Weiner’s murder, Pastor Garth and the rest of the missionaries began rejoicing, fore a pervert had received fair and balanced justice. Appalled that Uncle Farkus was being held for an event hardly viewed as a crime amongst the Christian Prison Ministry, Pastor Garth began speaking with the Warden, hoping to make a deal that would set Uncle Farkus free from the bondage of state penitentiary.

+ No success.

+ The Warden voiced his pleasure at having Uncle Farkus stay at the prison and made it clear he wanted him to stick around (the upbeat and positive attitude held by Farkus was rubbing off on the others the Warden said). The answer was no.

+ Disappointed at the decision by the Warden, the Christian Prison Ministry decides they must find a way to get Uncle Farkus out there. As the attempt to smuggle him out, the prison guards caught on and began rapid firing at Uncle Farkus and the rest of the missionaries.

+ In self-defense, those from the Christian Prison Ministry began firing back at the guards from concealed firearms that are legal to carry in Arkansas because it is so close to Texas (according to what I heard anyways).

+ Blood everywhere. People were dying left and right.

+ Uncle Farkus holds Pastor Garth, Pastor Garth has been shot. Begins bleeding out. He tells Uncle Farkus that his soul is safe and he should escape if possible, but worry not what happens. Pastor Garth dies in Uncle Farkus’s arms.

+ Uncle Farkus gets shot in the left butt cheek. Begins bleeding profusely.

+ Everybody in the prison yard is now dead except for Uncle Farkus who is near death.

+ Uncle Farkus crawls toward the fence, looking for a hole to crawl through.

+ Uncle Farkus finds a hole and escapes.

+ Uncle Farkus crawls on his hands and feet for three full days in the desert.

+ Uncle Farkus Tweets “Crawling through a field, butt cheek bleeding out. No cell phone or h2o. This might be it friands. #prayforfarkus”

+ Nobody has since heard from Uncle Farkus. Authorities are looking for a body using geographic information attached to the Twitter technology.

+ I was informed last night by Grandma Farkus that Uncle Farkus is in fact dead.

+ Rest in Peace Uncle Farkus; ~1979 to 2011.

Conclusion

Uncle Farkus has died. But his legacy will on through this blog. I, his Nephew, am still here, for you–his friands.

Feel free to hit me up on Twitter.

Let’s remember the greatest Uncle that ever lived.